Joke Thread

[trueblue02]

Old Cowboy

Ya think you have lived to be 71 and know who you are...then along comes someone and blows it all to the dickens........

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[No1FordGirl]

[trueblue02]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of
money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness
and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we
will be in?

We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in.'

[No1FordGirl]

^

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”
The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.
The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

-------- added 4 Minutes and 53 Seconds later --------

A little boy and a little girl, both about six, are playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farted, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

She notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that," she asks.

"Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted."

"Can I try it," she asks?

"Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

So she strains, and concentrates, and grunts. Suddenly, there's a terrible explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out.

The little boy rolls up the hill, he finds himself upside down against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs over to where the little girl is out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

He lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

[einehund]

Lmao!!!

[91stang308]

dual exhaust...thats great

[trueblue02]

Lol