Hahahahaha!!!!!!!

[trueblue02]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[trueblue02]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.



George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone
into your house?"

He said "No, but some people are breaking
into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols
are busy. You should lock your doors and
an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again..

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them," and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people!!!!!!!

-------- added 2 Minutes and 14 Seconds later --------

Bacon Tree
Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a ham bush...."

-------- added 3 Minutes and 57 Seconds later --------

> If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you
> should read this.
>
>
> The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without
> cursing.
>
> If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
> funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
>
> We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
> that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
> down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled
> over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
> engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
> movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM
> BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
> in between but in reality it was so close together
> It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... But Dad always
> had those piece of shit chargers made by
> International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
> pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in
> poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
> God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough
> lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI
> motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
> my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ....
> He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
> stupidity had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
>
> I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
> of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
> And in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
> the left, just the right).
>
> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4 - My left eye will not open.
>
> 5 - My right eye will not close.
>
> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
> triple check before I mow.

-------- added 4 Minutes and 59 Seconds later --------

> > A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are
> debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
> >
> > The Cow: I give 50 quarts of
> milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
> >
> > The Ant: I work day and night,
> summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and
> that's why I am the greatest!!
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> > Why are you scrolling down?
> It's your turn to say something...

[No1FordGirl]

lol